I never saw him coming (because he never did).
Once a year, when I was in Junior High, the school nurse would take over the PE coach’s office for the day. One by one, we would file in and she would measure our height, have us step on the scale, and finally she would have us take off our tops and face away from her as we bent over to touch our toes. Taking a pen, she would mark each vertebra and then have us stand straight again. Quite frankly, I never really paid much attention to what she was doing – I was just happy I wasn’t out in the gym running laps or embarrassing myself as I attempted to shoot a free-throw.
That changed the last year of Junior High. The nurse hemmed and hawed as I stood in front of her and she placed her hands briefly on my hips, pushing down slightly. After she had me bend over and played connect the dots on my spine, she asked me to put my shirt back on – but stopped me before I could leave the office. “It looks like you have scoliosis, Jana,” she told me with a serious look on her face, “I’m going to give you a note to take home to your parents.”
I’d never heard of scoliosis before – but I soon learned more than I wanted to know. I’ll spare you all of the medical jargon and give you the down and dirty version – scoliosis is when the spine curves side to side, forming a question mark shape (or if there is more than one curve, as in my case, it forms an S-shape). It can cause your shoulders to be uneven, your ribcage to twist, and your hips to be kattywompas – and left untreated and in severe cases, the resulting deformity could cause problems standing, walking, and even breathing – along with severe pain.
The orthopedic surgeon my parents took me to see offered two options: a back brace, worn 24/7 for the remaining years of my adolescence or back surgery to fuse my spine. Nether option sounded appealing, but I couldn’t even conceive going to high school for three years wearing a hard plastic and metal back brace. I was just going into High School! What boy would want to date me? How many judgmental bitches would make fun of me?
The surgery entailed hooking a long, metal rod alongside my spine, jacking that sucker as straight as it would go, and then placing bone chips along the length, which would fuse my spine over the course of nine months. The downside? Well, it WAS major surgery and I would be out of school for 6-8 weeks while I recovered…and then there was the pesky problem of being in a body cast for nine months. For the first three months, it would extend from my chin to my hips (hard to miss) – and then it would be cut down to just under my armpits to my hips for the rest of the time, which would require me to wear loose-fitting maternity clothes to school.
I picked the surgery – it seemed to me that nine months of hideousness was better than three years. Better to bite the bullet and get it over with quickly, never having to deal with it again. Oh, I was so young and naïve – I deal with the consequences of that decision every single day – but when I was 14-years-old, I wasn’t thinking about the future – I was only concerned with the present and my precarious social standing. So, I had the surgery and was soon wrapped in thick plaster with a salad plate sized hole cut out in the middle so that my stomach could expand as I ate. While I was at home recovering, things were tolerable – but once I started to go out in public, I immediately felt like an escapee from the freak show of a traveling circus.
“Ladies and gentlemen – come one, come all! See the incredible bearded woman! Marvel at the human unicorn! Beware the wolf boy! And prepare to be amazed and horrified by Jana, the plaster-girl! Her head and torso are held absolutely rigid by 12-tons of hard cement! Rap your knuckles on her chest…if you DARE!”
People weren’t shy about asking what had happened to me – but if I tried to explain about scoliosis and the back fusing treatment, their eyes would quickly glaze over with incomprehension. So, I decided to simplify the story and, at the same time, ramp it up a notch. The next time a well-meaning stranger asked how I had ended up in a body cast, I put on a serious expression. “Well, I was in Africa on a safari with my family – and it was great seeing all the animals – but then an elephant stepped on me.” I was always rewarded with a loud gasp and a horrified expression – and usually couldn’t keep a straight face for more than thirty seconds. Before long, I had a whole repertoire of catastrophes to pick from: “It was my first time skydiving…and the chute just didn’t open,” “The driver of the garbage truck was attacked by a raccoon who had been asleep in one of the trash cans…and he just veered off the road and right into me,” “The cable on the ski lift just snapped…and I plummeted to the rocks below.”
I never liked my bulky body cast, but I learned to tolerate it as time went on. And it may have saved my life during a car accident that winter when we were T-boned going across an intersection. Instead of my ribs being broken when I was bashed against the door of my sister’s car, my cast protected me and put a large dent in the car door instead. And THAT is a true story – I promise!
Do you think it is acceptable to lie – just for the fun of it? What tall tales have you told when the truth was just too complicated or boring?
I’ve actually come close to being stepped on by an elephant. Because kids are idiots and we climbed a fence at the zoo. I honestly don’t know how I ever thought that was a good idea.
Thank God you didn’t pick the lion enclosure for that particular stunt!
Oh my friend. Wow. I can’t imagine a body cast! You were so much braver and stronger at that age than I could’ve ever been! I’m so happy the school nurse found it and you were able to get the surgery to fix it. Please excuse my naïve question, but how does this effect you now? Can you bend and move freely? Do you have any pain, or daily medications?
amazing story. Thanks for sharing!
With my back fused, I can’t bend at the waist — which makes it kind of impossible to do sit ups or even to just sit up from a prone position (I tend to have to roll to my side and push myself up that way). I can still bend to pick something off the floor, but the movement is all from my hips, with a flat back (I’ll never do a backbend again). The fusion didn’t totally correct the scoliosis, so I still have one hip a bit higher than the other — and this causes some back and leg pain sometimes. I also noticed that my shoulders were rotated forward and I figured it was just because I had crappy posture and I was getting older, but my doc sent me to physical therapy and I found out that since my spine doesn’t rotate like normal, my muscles compensated in an unnatural way — pulling my shoulders forward. I don’t know that will ever change, but we’re trying!
OH, and btw, TOTALLY acceptable to lie under those circumstances!! I love the stories you came up with – hahaha!
Thanks, Beth!!
I think if a total stranger if being nosy and rude it is fine to say any crazy shit to them. People need to mind their own business. They actually thought I had scoliosis when I was in middle school. But I guess I don’t? I think we went to a specialist and that was the last I heard about it. Maybe we just couldn’t afford the treatment. At any rate, I’m sure I would have noticed some ill effects by this point.
If you’re not all hunchy and uneven, you are probably good! It’s interesting how total strangers think it’s okay to delve into other people’s lives. I blame it on reality television — we all know everything there is to know about the contestants…and about celebrities for that matter…so it tends to translate over to anyone else we encounter. I guess I would rather have someone ask sincerely instead of just pointing or staring — but it still is uncomfortable (especially when you are 16-years-old and already horribly self-conscious with a less than stellar self-esteem).
I have always come up with elaborate tales for mundane things. I love your stories that you told. I have a small case of scoliosis, nothing even slightly resembling yours, but my left side is slightly higher than my right. I’m not symmetrical, but oh well. I had to be in a wheelchair my first and second semester of college. I know the stares and the stories. Good post!!!!
I have the best readers/commenters! But you guys always tease me with a taste of what I KNOW must be a great story — and then leave me hanging! Of course I HAVE to ask about your first year in college now — which makes me no better than the strangers who came up to me to ask why I was encased in plaster.
I can confirm the accident story. The guy who hit us ran over to our vehicle, saw Jana in a full body cast, and almost had a heart-attack on the spot! As did the cop, if I remember right, which is probably why he agreed to give Jana and I a ride to school after the VW got towed. 🙂
Hah! I forgot about that part!
That’s excellent, I love that you told people you were stepped on by an elephant. I think there is an omission when you’re lying to rescue yourself from people’s inappropriate behavior. I’ve read that somewhere, just after the Golden Rule I think.
Yes, I think you are right — the eleventh commandment or something like that 🙂