I was visiting my friend, Aussa’s blog the other day and found she had a guest poster. Aussa always finds the BEST guest posters, and Beth at Writer B is Me is no exception. She was telling a horrifyingly funny story about a certain bodily function, and as I was reading her post and the follow up comments from readers, I vacillated between “Ewwwwwww!” and giggling like a 6-year-old after hearing a particularly delightful potty joke. One of my favorites back then was, “What happens if you accidentally fall into the toilet?” You stink or swim! I still find that kind of hilarious, especially after reading Beth’s post.
When I was 10-years-old, my folks took my sister and me on a backpacking trip in the Grand Tetons on the Wyoming/Idaho border. We spent a week or so hiking across meadows, through forests, and over glaciers – going from lake to lake, where we would spend a night or two camping and fishing before moving on. This was wilderness area – rugged terrain with no modern amenities, such as outhouses. When we camped for the night, dad would dig a trench some distance from camp that served as our restroom – but when we were hiking, it was up to each individual to find a secluded spot to answer the call of nature – and then run like hell to catch up with the rest of the group before being eaten by a bear .
One day, my sister and I were following some distance behind mom and dad – we could see the lake we planned to camp at down the hill, but I just couldn’t wait any longer. I told my sis to wait for me and I left the trail, cutting through the thick underbrush until I found a relatively private spot behind a tree. I couldn’t see her, so I felt pretty secure in my concealment and I shimmied my pants down to my ankles and squatted, doing that awkward balancing act that women who pee in the woods (or in alleys behind bars) are forced to do. I was facing downhill, enjoying the view of the lake and aiming (the best I could) so that my pants didn’t get splattered…when suddenly I heard voices.
I didn’t panic – I was well off the trail and no one could see me – but then the voices got louder and closer. I was confused – where were they? I stretched my neck, trying to see around the tree and, at the same time, trying to finish my business as quickly as possible…but it wasn’t quick enough. Just then, a group of four boys, in their late teens and early twenties, appeared right behind me – with a clear and glorious view of my lily-white ass! There was a long moment as I stared at them in horror and all of their conversation ceased as they tried to make sense of why a kid would be half-naked, by herself, peeing in the wilderness. I finally came to my senses and screeched, lunging to my feet and practically taking a header down the hill in my haste to pull up my pants. When I stood, I then could see that the trail I had taken such pains to get away from had actually doubled-back and I was basically squatting RIGHT NEXT TO IT! Because of the underbrush and because I thought I was far away from the trail, I hadn’t even seen it when I picked my place to piss.
As I ran back to where my sister was waiting, the laughter and hooting of the boys followed. I was even more mortified when they also pitched their tents at the lake, just down the trail from us and I realized just how cute they all were and that I had ruined all hope of living happily ever after with any of them.
Have you ever been caught doing something in public that probably should have been done in private? Do tell!