27 Responses

  1. Val
    Val July 10, 2014 at 6:43 am | | Reply

    I can relate – my blog serves as a mental waste can: cheap therapy where I “dump” thoughts I later revisit as I work things out…
    Invariably it is all “no good, very bad” Debbie-Downer detritus which would lead anyone to conclude (for instance, my ex when he delved into one of my old handwritten journals!) that I was DISTURBED. I know it doesn’t help that I rarely have time to post updates of how things DID work out, but most often there’s only another crisis to weather.
    Hang in there – my 1st marriage only lasted 14 yrs but repercussions persist as we “co-parent” (ugh, how I despise that term!) our only son, who’s now 16… Even once he’s grown, I’ll never be free of M; our offspring is an unbreakable bond. Our world seems to be a very small place!

  2. Michelle
    Michelle July 10, 2014 at 7:20 am | | Reply

    I don’t find this self indulgent at all. I find it real. Real is good. (writing at least…real can suck for life situations).

    This is helpful for you and you should continue. I am sad for you. Like really sad for you. I don’t want you to have to feel these things or go through them, but you must. I know you know this, even though it might not feel this way now, but this will pass and you will come out on the other side even more of a bad ass than you already are.

    Your life is still your life. You get to own all your experiences, good and bad…even if they are hard to examine right now.

    You got this. I know you do.

    I’m not a real physical person…hugs make me terribly uncomfortable, but I would hug the shit out of you right now if I could. Not literally, though. Gross.

  3. Maggie Wilson
    Maggie Wilson July 10, 2014 at 7:37 am | | Reply

    First of all, I want to thank you for this heartbreaking post.

    “I worry that people who are just now discovering my blog must perceive me as an incredible downer.”

    From this twice-divorced reader I can only suggest that you can not be anything but sad, depressed, and self-indulgent. That’s the reality of your situation. You are at that stage just after the bomb went off and the smoke and shards are still settling. You ears are ringing, your vision is blurred… and you are injured.

    I “pulled the plug” on marriage one and on a couple of other live-in arrangements that were not meant to be long-term. The one time that I was on the receiving end of the termination notice, I actually welcomed it. We were both exhausted, and I knew it was the right thing to do. All this to say, is that I have NO idea what it’s like to be blindsided the way you were, after 26 years!

    But I do recognize the reverberation you speak of, how each subsequent act of separation sets off a new round of pain. It rankles that he needs to act indifferently or callous in order protect himself. My ex, the one that pulled the plug, left me with the upkeep of our hobby farm while we waited for the sale to close. Claimed it was “too emotional” to make the 45 minute trip to mow the lawn. I had to commute 90 minutes. Boo hoo, buddy.

    Blog writing, like life, is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. You wanted to be funny. Now you are sad. I daresay you will find surprising episodes of hilarity or mania in the next little while. You still got it, Jana. It’s been overshadowed, that’s all.

  4. qwertygirl
    qwertygirl July 10, 2014 at 12:48 pm | | Reply

    Blogs reflect the flow of our lives. The bad as well as the good. I go through periods where I feel like the worst mother EVER, who shouldn’t even be allowed to raise zucchini, much less human children, and although that may not be the topic of my posts at that time (I don’t want to come off as fishing for compliments–I mean, hell, for all people know I learned my parenting skills watching Disney princess movies), it will be reflected in my subject matter, my word choice, and my tone. That’s how it is.

    Virtual friends are just like “real life” friends–if they won’t stand by you when you’re going through the bad stuff, they weren’t really meant to be your friends. That’s why we write what we write and stick it up on the laundry line of the internet for the whole virtual neighborhood to see. The virtual neighbors who laugh because you wear footie pajamas, or look askance at your heavy metal t-shirts aren’t the neighbors you hang with. The ones who say, “I totally had that AC/DC shirt when I was fifteen. I wish I still had it” are the ones you know will stick with you.

  5. Roxie
    Roxie July 10, 2014 at 1:24 pm | | Reply

    I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I don’t imagine there is right now. Just know, there are a lot of people who think you are awesome, and hope for the best for you!

  6. april
    april July 10, 2014 at 2:46 pm | | Reply

    I don’t really blog any more, but I can share that (I don’t even know the year anymore!) about 4 years ago, I got home from work on Thanksgiving morning. I sat down at the computer and noticed that my husband forgot to log out of his email. In his email were hundreds of back and forths between him and his female coworker, talking about loving one another, and the most recent one from her saying “Maybe your wife knows and just doesn’t care”. I was COMPLETELY Blind sided. I knew that we weren’t as super close as we had been, but I worked 10PM-6AM. He worked 7AM-6 PM. We had kids and a house and were busy. Thus commenced two years of hell. Blogs that spoke frankly about the feelings that were going on helped me a lot. I wasn’t just sad, I was PISSED. I had never been in a darker place and I was actually, for the first time in my life, feeling literally homicidal. It helped, a lot, to read posts like yours. If nothing else, you know that you are not alone.

    So I’m rambling a bit, but even though I just found your blog a few weeks ago, write what you feel, what you want. I wish I could give you a big hug!

  7. lrconsiderer
    lrconsiderer July 10, 2014 at 4:12 pm | | Reply

    Jana, I’m still relatively new to your blog, and I have to say, all I’ve been is impressed by the quality and clarity of the writing. You’re taking an immensely painful topic and sharing it in a way which feels quite relatable, even though I’ve not had that experience. You speak of things of the heart, and those things are universal, even if your particular situation is unique.

    I’m just so sad you’re going through this. But I don’t want you to stop writing – it’s such a good form of therapy, not only to go through the process of organising your thoughts sufficiently enough to put them into paragraphs and find words to adequately describe each feeling, but also to allow yourself the outlet and release of having those thoughts and feelings OUT of you. And then there’s the support and encouragement of others, which I hope you get plenty of.

    Don’t change what you’re doing. There will be moments when you pull teeth and put something shiny up, for the practice of writing happy and writing good, and reminding yourself that you have it in you to do, but keep being real. This is a season in life – a winter, perhaps, but even in that, there is good – your children and grandchild, and your happy memories, even though they’re tarnished by the present, you’ve already identified as worthwhile focal points. And I’m so glad you have them.

    Just keep writing, writing, writing.

    If it helps, I take a great deal of comfort from the fact you’re doing this – it makes me feel a little less *squroinchy* about having written so extensively and sadly about the things I’ve been through in the last couple of years.

  8. maurnas
    maurnas July 10, 2014 at 7:07 pm | | Reply

    Your blog does delight and amuse me. Because you are a funny lovely writer. But I know I will still love reading your blog no matter what you are talking about. It’s okay to talk about real things going on with you. You don’t always have to make us laugh to keep us here.

  9. ej
    ej July 11, 2014 at 8:41 am | | Reply

    I wanted to write encouraging words, let you know how your thoughts and feelings helped my thoughts and feelings – but then everyone has already said what I was going to say, even the hugging stuff. So let me just say ‘Ditto’ and give you a virtual hug and a very big mental kick in Doc’s private parts. You do you and let him be an ass.

  10. Terri
    Terri July 11, 2014 at 2:31 pm | | Reply

    Let it out girl, just like a fart better out than in. Poison has to be let loose. If it is in this format, so be it. I don’t have any ‘outlets’… trust me, this is good for you because not having that outlet is horrible. I have no one to confide in, no blog to write and it fills me up and confuses me and it’s just not good. So you say what you need to say to feel better.

  11. Laurie Works
    Laurie Works July 12, 2014 at 5:42 pm | | Reply

    Oh Jana. This is rough. I’m sorry. I remember these feelings all too well from when I went through my divorce – the shattering pieces turning and twisting their way into your heart. I’m so sorry. I’m wrapping you up in love from here.

  12. Denise
    Denise July 13, 2014 at 7:31 am | | Reply

    Jana. Thank you for leaving a comment at my blog today. If you hadn’t, I would not have discovered a most excellent writer. Although your “topic” today is not of the “happy” variety, that is not important. What is, is your sharing of your experience, your pain, your self in such eloquent manner. In a way such that, anyone arriving at your blog,reading your words will not leave unaffected.
    I cannot offer anything but encouragement, my condolences and support. Life sucks sometimes. At times (like for you now) It’s painful, gut wrenching and seemingly impossible to face. I sincerely hope you find strength and comfort each day through your children, your grandchild, and through the words of all who come here. May you find strength and comfort by writing and expressing yourself, pain and all.

  13. Sandy Ramsey
    Sandy Ramsey July 28, 2014 at 12:36 pm | | Reply

    I know how late I am to this post. I almost don’t want to comment and remind you that you wrote it but somehow, I think you remember. I am so sorry that you are going through this mess.
    It is your writing and a budding friendship that brings me here. Whether it be funny or seriously sad (and not the least bit self indulgent!!), I will keep coming back.
    This is how you will heal and in the meantime, hopefully, find the support you need, a shoulder to lean on.
    Twenty six years is a long time. You take all the time you need.

If you don't comment, then I'm just talking to myself -- and I do too much of that already.

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