I took a break at work today to pee. Since breaks are non-existent at my clinic, I decided to take full advantage of my five minutes of free time and I took my phone along so I could check my email. Yes, I’m one of those people who take their phone into the bathroom with them. I’m careful — I never drop it in the toilet and I always use one of the clinic’s Lysol wipes to get rid of any errant e-coli bacteria that may have attempted to set up a new home on my phone in the few minutes I was actually in the bathroom (you have read about the scary germs that are on your phone — right?)
I entered the code on the keypad so that I could enter the employee’s bathroom and, without paying much attention, I pushed down my pants and took a seat on the commode. My first thought was, “Wow! The seat is COLD today!” But, since there had been a hard freeze the night before and it was still icy cold outside, I figured that the ambient temperature inside was also colder. I quickly did my business, wiped, and stood up – and then realized the horrible truth.
Someone had tinkled on the toilet!
I did a double-take because I could hardly believe it was true. But, sure enough, the seat was glistening with moisture – light yellow moisture – and my ass was wet – both cheeks!
I was stunned! I mean, this was the employee bathroom. It was always locked and you had to enter a damn code to get in! No one but another employee could have done it. That meant it was a doctor – or a nurse – or one of the clerical staff – but even the clerical staff knew the importance of good hygiene, especially in a clinic!
My mind was racing through the possible suspects and my face was frozen in a grimace of disgust as I waddled, my pants around my knees, to the sink. I hastily turned the water to the hottest setting, soaped up both hands, and frantically scrubbed my ass. I knew it wasn’t Dr. E – I’d passed him once on my way into the bathroom once and he had left the seat UP – a crime in its own fashion, but not nearly as bad as peeing on the seat. Dr. D used the other employee bathroom – so that ruled out the guys. It had to have been a woman – a HOVERER!
I pulled out a plethora of paper towels, wet them, and scoured my backside, attempting to catch the soap bubbles that were now running down the back of my thighs. Really? What woman in our clinic – which coworker, nay, friend was a hoverer? I thought I knew these women. Hell, we’ve been sharing the same employee bathroom for three years – if it was one of them, wouldn’t this had happened before? Were any of them that revolting?
I grabbed another generous handful of paper towels and dabbed at my ass and thighs, drying them the best I could and praying that I had eradicated any lingering germs. I mean, I’m not a germaphobe by any means – I firmly believe in the five second rule – not in the bathroom, of course, but if I dropped a tasty morsel on a relatively clean floor and no one else was watching, I’d totally nab that bad boy and pop it in my mouth. But a stranger’s piss – on my ass? That was just disgusting!
Maybe I should have use one of those Lysol wipes, just to be safe.