I’ve been spending the last week getting caught up with the final two seasons of Sons of Anarchy. They have been sitting on my DVR for all of this time – taking up a crapload of space and reminding me that I’m so disorganized that I can’t even watch television in a timely manner. If I made New Year’s resolutions, one of them might be to be more organized – but to make resolutions and the plans to follow them through requires organization. Do you see my dilemma? It’s a damn catch-22!
If you’re a fan of Sons, you know that the final season is brutal – just BRUTAL. Not only is there a shit-ton of vengeance, violence, and killing (even more so than previous seasons) – but it is emotionally devastating. Even though the show is about gangster bikers who have no regard for the law and kill or maim people without batting an eye – I’ve developed a relationship with them while watching the show and I can identify and relate to them. Now, I don’t go around stabbing BBQ forks repeatedly into the heads of my in-laws (no matter how much I might be tempted) – but I understand that fierce love for kids and grandkids, the desire to leave an honorable legacy, the struggle for happiness, the journey of change, the confusion and conflict resulting from disparate desires, and the damage that secrets and lies can cause.
As I’ve watched my favorite characters being killed off in droves, I have been crying…a lot. We’re talking waterfall of tears dripping off my chin, whole tissue box required, snot blowing, clearing the sinuses better than a neti pot, swelling eyes like I’m having a life-threatening allergic reaction, nose redder than Rudolph, delightfully cathartic crying.
The tears weren’t all about the show.
One of the most bittersweet things about the last few shows of Sons of Anarchy is that the characters come to a place of peace and acceptance. For so long, they had been operating out of a place of fear – trying to control events to keep or improve the status quo – to keep the worst case scenario from being realized. It weighed heavy and was exhausting. Then everything came crashing down – that most awful thing that they were dreading happened. It was terrifying, it was awful…it was wonderful. They realized they can’t change the past – no matter how much they might want to, and that they can’t control the future. All they can do is to be the best they can be at this moment in their life – to love – to appreciate the small pleasures – to find happiness amongst the regret and sadness – to loosen the death-grip on that need for control – to realize that shit happens, but that things might be better on the other side.
Acceptance and peace.
I’m getting there. However, unlike the characters on the Sons, I’m not going to stand steadfastly and allow myself to get shot in the head or stabbed in the throat (metaphorically in my case – I really don’t think someone is planning on murdering me). I’m not going to give up on life. I’ve made some huge changes in how I think, the way I handle situations, and the person I am in my heart of hearts. It’s still a work in progress – I still feel fearful, resentful, lonely, angry, and sad – but I try to balance that – no, outweigh that – with courage, compassion, forgiveness, happiness, laughter, and love. It all leads to acceptance and peace. I’m not kidding myself into thinking it will all be rainbows and roses – life is hard and messy (maybe not Sons of Anarchy blood and brains all over the white roses messy – but you know what I mean).
I heard this song on my way to work today. It made me cry and smile at the same time – and kind of describes how I’ve been feeling for the last eight months perfectly – especially this part:
Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
And I’m getting older too
Plus, it’s Stevie Nicks – I totally wanted to be her when I was a teenager!
Are you a Sons of Anarchy fan? What other shows do you recommend for me now that Sons is gone forever? Do you agree that Stevie Nicks is fabulous (don’t be afraid to disagree – l won’t stab you in the head with a BBQ fork).