Part One
When I started contemplating dating again, I wasn’t really attracted to the men who were contacting me from the online dating site. Like every woman (if I may be so presumptuous to speak for us all), a handsome man with slightly rugged features, a strong chin, and the body of Adonis is what sets my nether-regions a’tingling. You know – the type of guy that graces the cover of Men’s Fitness! The men who were interested in me were more like the type that would be featured on the cover of Geekologie Today, Old Folks Digest, or Good Ol’ Boy Monthly.
Just…yum!
However, when I contacted attractive men, I never heard back, and it bothered me that I was (I assumed) being judged on the basis of my age, body type, or looks. How could I be so shallow as to do the same thing to someone else? I decided that if I was contacted by a man who met my other criteria (educated, humorous, and gainfully employed), who shared some of my interests and had all of his teeth, I’d meet him for a drink. At least I could get to know him a bit better and then make a decision about either continuing to date or not.
So, with some trepidation, I agreed to meet Teddy – not his real name, but I called him Teddy because he was somewhat soft and squishy – like a teddy bear.
Kind of like this
Teddy was highly educated, had a high-paying job with the government as an electrical engineer, and he shared many of my interests. He didn’t make the greatest first impression – email #1 (just before Christmas) complimented my smile (that’s nice!) but when I responded and asked about his interests, he then hit me with a barrage of emails. In #2, he confirmed that we did like many of the same things – in fact, he had tickets to a musical next month and he would love for me to be his date. Before I could respond, email #3 came, entitled “Tentative First Date Plans” – in which he suggested that we meet for dinner that weekend, his treat. I emailed back and explained to him that, as I was rusty in the dating department, I preferred to go verrrrry slowly. I added that I would feel more comfortable meeting for hot chocolate or a soda. Within minutes, he emailed again (#4), saying that would be fine, but that he could tell me more about himself by email. What followed was a 500 word essay about his job, past jobs, his current “sole proprietorship,” pets, more interests (dancing, board games, museums, and antique stores). He ended with “What else would you like to know?”
At this point, I went back and read Teddy’s online profile more closely – and saw that he was “Looking for the woman of my dreams; my partner for life.” His political views were conservative and he was Catholic. I emailed him back: “I’m not sure how carefully you read my profile, but I wanted to make sure you understood that I’m currently separated and have no plans to divorce for at least the next several years due to financial and insurance issues. Also, I’m not an organized religion type of person – in fact, I have an issue with most religions. Finally, I am not at all conservative in my views. “ Teddy responded quickly, “I did read your whole profile and understand all of the above – none of these things are deal breakers for me.” He followed up with email #6 within an hour: “The more I read your profile, the more I am interested in you. When can we meet?” I explained that my children were in town over the holidays and that I would not be available until after the first of the year – in fact, I would not be checking my messages until then – but if he was still interested then, he could shoot me an email then.
On January 1st, I received email #7: “How are you?” and on January 2nd, two more emails: “Would you like to meet for dinner?” and “Would you like to plan to meet now that the holidays are over?” The excessive emails were working my last nerve by this time, but as Teddy was never anything but polite and friendly, I figured that he was just eager and perhaps lonely. I again reminded him that I would prefer meeting for a drink and we set up the date and time (he sent three more emails during this process).
I have to admit, it was difficult to muster up enthusiasm for the date, as I was not really attracted to Teddy, I was put off by the many emails, and…I was still a tad resentful that I was in a position where I even had to consider dating again. But I had decided that I needed to get over my fears, put myself out there, and start meeting people – so with some trepidation, I arrived at the coffee shop that Saturday afternoon.
Teddy was waiting for me at the door. I shook his hand and accompanied him to the counter, where we ordered and he deftly paid for both drinks. We then sat down and began to talk – almost immediately, I noticed that Teddy reminded me of…my brother. His mannerisms, laugh, and his voice were nearly identical. That’s not a bad thing – my brother is a great guy – but I don’t want to date my brother, you know? Still, we talked for over two hours and Teddy seemed very friendly, if a little pretentious (he often talked about his boat, his great-paying job, and the fact that he only eats at “fine dining” establishments). When we finally wrapped things up, Teddy asked me if I would like to go to see the musical “Chicago” with dinner beforehand at a restaurant I could never afford on my own.
I was torn – I could not see my platonic feelings for Teddy changing and I didn’t want to lead him on. But on the other hand, he was pleasant and we did share so many interests – plus my esthetician had told me that I should really give each prospect at least three dates “to know for sure.” Also – and I’m ashamed to admit it – I really wanted to go eat at the nice restaurant and see the show! So, we agreed to meet at the restaurant that Thursday. Teddy immediately followed up by suggesting we go out to dinner prior to that – on Tuesday…and perhaps we could go on a hike the next weekend? I gently told him that I had plans on Tuesday and we would discuss the hike at our date on Thursday. We exchanged numbers and I took my leave.
Before I got home, some twenty minutes later, Teddy had already texted me three times.
Have you ever fallen for someone that you initially were not attracted to? How important do you think physical attraction is in a relationship? How much texting and emailing is too much?
That was too much texting and emailing. Teddy seems at BEST needy…at worst…one of those assholes who want to infiltrate every part of your life so that he can do his own housekeeping.
I agree with your friend..give it 3 dates..have fun at dinner and the show..but be careful. I don’t know if I trust this guy.
I agree – needy and clingy. Every email and text on its own was perfectly acceptable and even sweet. But the deluge was a huge turn off. Plus, you know how I am – fairly anti-social overall – so it was just overwhelming.
Something about him puts me off. A lot off. Have the dinner, see the show, then extricate yourself (if you can). He’s too clingy and he hasn’t ‘heard’ your requests for him to slow down and not be so forward. It concerns me that he might not listen in other areas, either.
Be careful.
And I wasn’t initially physically attracted to Husby, not in the loin-tingly way you describe (the way we’d all prefer) but I was immediately attracted to his person as a whole, and within an hour of meeting him face to face for the first time (we’d been in touch online before but just as casual friends in a forum – there was no interest there really) I knew that he would be a good husband and a good father and was a good person. I felt a touch of destiny about him.
The lack of physical attraction has sometimes been quite difficult but he’s SUCH a wonderful person, and it’s kinda come with time, if that makes sense. There are physical attributes about him I really like, such as his eyes or his hair, but it was never a physical lust thing for me. Thank goodness, because it can’t ever have been for him, either!
I guess my main issue with the mutual physical attraction part is the lack of sex and intimacy in my marriage. I wanted it – Doc didn’t. I don’t know if Doc was not interested because it was a power play (“Because you want it, I’m not going to give it to you.”, because he no longer found me physically appealing (although, I think I look better now that just about any time in our marriage – even pre-kids!), or because he had issues with his sexuality. Regardless, it was heart-breaking and esteem damaging – and I refuse to go there again.
HOWEVER, you have a point and one that I do believe – that while someone may not be initially physically attracted to someone, if you are compatible on so many other levels and really like/love each other, that you will soon find the heart and essence of this wonderful person attractive, which leads you to look at their appearance with new eyes and a new perspective. I blogged about that a little when I was considering starting to date again – but I just am feeling a little selfish. I want the bells and whistles, the fireworks and longing, the electricity and heat. I’ve never really had that before and I’d like to experience it at least once before this life is over. I certainly know that is not the most important thing in a relationship (sometimes totally inappropriate guys might ring that bell) – but perhaps I need a wild fling with Mr. Right There before I really go searching for Mr. Right.
You’re right about it being a problem. I want the bells and whistles too *sigh*
Different circumstance, but the rejection still sucks…
DO NOT date anyone who’s sick. Or who gets chronically sick while you’re dating. Or who has depression.
Just don’t. THERE! That’s advice.
Hmmmm — My therapist said many times she thought Doc had depression, but he contended that he did not and refused to see anyone for it. However, he was often sick throughout our marriage and even now. I never thought there was a connection between the two – but it makes sense!
Hmmmm – tricky. I think if you have a genuine friendship with someone anything IS possible but to be honest if you don’t feel even the faintest spark of attraction after a handful of meetings it may never happen.
Yes – I agree with you. Ideally, I want my next love to be my best friend as well as my best lover. However, it was difficult to consider Teddy as a friend, as his repeated emails and texts make it so clear that he considers me as more – without even really knowing me first. The rest of the story is coming soon…
Yep – doesn’t quite sound right! Not that sparks have to fly right from the get-go, but I’ll tell ya my own “Teddy Bear” story…
15 yrs ago, freshly divorced, scared to death upon re-entering the dating scene after 14 yrs of marriage, after a couple of disastrous “set-ups”, I signed up at one of Big D’s original dating services, figuring “you get what you pay for”…
P was my 1st Responder – certainly “My Type” in the tall, dark & handsome sense but about 60 lbs overweight when we had our 1st date! (I certainly had no room for criticism since I was packing about 30 lbs more than my “ideal” early-20’s weight) However, I felt that physical attraction to him from the start – in my experience that’s something that’s either “on” or “off” – if I haven’t felt any chemistry, I’ve never let things progress past a 1st or 2nd date.
(Sparks certainly flew between us in the early stages of our courtship/marriage, although w/the passage of time, health & weight issues on BOTH sides have dampened the flames, so to speak. Obviously something I need to blog about since I place FAR too much emphasis on physical interactions – when P hasn’t made a pass at me in WEEKS it really harshes my mellow, also menopause has crashed my libido 🙁
Ahh – menopause. I had an ovary removed earlier this year and that threw me right into the middle of the menopause pond. Thank God for hormone medication – I was a wreck without it (of course, that was right I came home to find Doc moving out – so I had a reason besides menopause to be a wreck). By the way, girl – I visited your blog today and you’ve been blogging forever! I’m super impressed and anticipate many unproductive hours of work time while I get caught up (I’m up to 2006 just now).
Keep in mind I have never attempted online dating. But that many emails in that short of a time would have drove me INSANE. The neediness and pushiness would turn me off. He seems like the type where you give an inch and he tries to take a mile. The fact that he doesn’t seem to hear what you’re telling him his rather obnoxious too.
It sounds like he may be so desperate for a relationship that he is freaking out potential dates with the constant stream of “hey, look at me! lets go on a date! I don’t care about anything as long as we go on another date!”
Or, on the flip side, it could be something more a long the lines of too cocky. Like she will want to know everything about me, all the time. And Who wouldn’t want to go on a date with me? just drinks? I guess, but she will want to do more after she spends time with me.
The fact that he doesn’t listen to what you tell him, almost makes me think it’s the second one. Like he is too self absorbed and a “Catch” to hear you
“It sounds like he may be so desperate for a relationship that he is freaking out potential dates with the constant stream of “hey, look at me! let’s go on a date! I don’t care about anything as long as we go on another date!”
I think you totally hit the nail on the head – I think he must be incredibly lonely. However, I think there is an aspect of cockiness in there as well – just the way he dropped status and wealth comments in the conversation was rather strange.