Just ask my children, or my ex – or hell, maybe even the ex before the ex – about my “List of People I’m Going to Kill When Murder Becomes Legal” and they would nod their heads and perhaps roll their eyes – but they would totally know what you are talking about. And they might even be able to name a few people who have been on the list forever.
Now, I’ve never actually put pen to paper and written out the list in a little notebook. I don’t carry with me, along with a stubby pencil so that I can, at a moment’s notice, add a new name to the kill list when someone does something to offend me. Because that would be a little creepy and Unabomber-y – and I’m totally not a psycho…usually.
In 30 years, no one has felt the need to make an anonymous call to the police or feds to let them know about my nefarious list – so please don’t feel you have to be the one that opens up that can of worms. Because this “List of People I’m Going to Kill When Murder Becomes Legal”? It’s just a list I keep in my head for frustration’s sake. I really wouldn’t kill anyone – ever. Well, maybe ever is too strong a word. If the Zombie Apocalypse happened, I would absolutely be armed with an arsenal of zombie-killing accoutrements, ready to defend my hearth, home, and family by blowing off a few undead heads. But really, is that murder? I mean, for all intents and purposes, zombies are already dead – and is it possible to kill the already killed? To murder the dead – even if they are undead? I don’t think so.
My “List of People I’m Going to Kill When Murder Becomes Legal” is also not a real threat because – well, just look at the name! I don’t plan to kill anyone until murder becomes legal! I’m a law-abiding citizen, for God’s sake – well, mostly. I may have a warrant or two out for my arrest in the great states of Utah and Texas, and I may have a sordid criminal past, but that was long ago, when I was young and foolish. Now I’m old(er) and not quite as foolish – so the only law-breaking I do on a regular basis these days is driving too fast. I certainly wouldn’t murder anyone unless it was like that movie The Purge, where for a night, everyone has the government’s blessing to off anyone they wanted to.
And even then it probably wouldn’t happen, because I’d be cowering in fear in my attic, hoping that I wasn’t on someone else’s list of people they want to kill when murder becomes legal.
The “List of People I’m Going to Kill When Murder Becomes Legal” is fluid and changing. People are added and other names are discarded. A lot of names are simply forgotten – because, as I’ve mentioned before, this list exists only in my brain and, as I get older, my brain seems to have a limited capacity for remembering things. It just comes down to priorities – if my brain has to choose between remembering to schedule my colonoscopy or remembering that I really would like to assassinate a particularly annoying neighbor from a place I used to live 15 years ago – it’s going to go with the colonoscopy. Not because I enjoy colonoscopies – but because they are a necessary evil that might prolong my life a bit. And I’m all about the self-preservation – at least for the time being. If I get to the point where I’m wearing diapers and drooling, then I might have to activate the “Ways to Off Myself When I Get Old and Infirm so I Won’t be a Burden” list – but that is a whole ‘nother post.
“So,” you may be asking, “Just who is on your “List of People I’m Going to Kill When Murder Becomes Legal?” Are you curious because you also have a list and you want to know if we share a potential target (because nothing says friendship like conspiracy to commit murder)? Or, are you perhaps worried that you might be on my list? Never fear – I tend to be pretty forgiving in nature, so even if you pissed me off for some reason (and I can’t even imagine that happening) you probably wouldn’t make the list. I mean, my ex isn’t even on the list after all of the shit he pulled and put me through – so that tells you something. But, in the interest of full disclosure and because I want you to be able to sleep soundly at night, I’m going to list a few people who have been on the list practically since its inception.
1) Rush Limbaugh. He’s been in the top spot since day one. Words can’t express my loathing for this man and the hatred he spews on a daily basis. When we first bought our fixer-upper of a house, I wasn’t working – so every day before we moved in, I would leave our rental and come over to the new house to do the painting. I had a crappy radio that only picked up one AM radio station, so I got to listen to Rush Limbaugh and his ilk every day. Luckily, I was alone in the house, so when I screamed aloud in frustration at something particularly vile he said, no one else could hear me.
2) Howard Stern. As a former disc jockey myself, I found Howard to be particularly offensive. Not for his crass language (because if you know me, you know I not only have, but embrace the potty mouth) – but because of his choice of subject matter, his disregard for the feelings of others, and his narcissistic personality. I realized that “shock jock” was his niche – but it just seemed like such a cop out – the easy way to make a name for yourself instead of actually being creative and relatable. Plus, he was getting paid millions of dollars each year for the drivel – and I never made more than $25,000 a year for being a disc jockey – so yeah, I was envious. Disgusted, but envious. As the years have gone by and I’ve seen Howard in other venues, I realize that he has his good qualities – so I might move him down the list a bit – but I don’t know that he’ll ever come off entirely.
3) Danielle Steele. What? What could beloved author Danielle Steele possibly have done to make such a list? Well, I’ll tell you – nothing – at least nothing I found creative or noteworthy. This woman wrote prolifically – in fact, I once read this review that said, she “produces one or two easy reads a year like a foundry stamping out metal parts.” It’s true – every book was more or less the same – basically the same formula, the same plot, the same expressions, and the same love story. Every time I would pick up a book by Danielle Steele and read it (hoping against hope that it would be original), I would become incensed. It seemed like she was just “stamping” them out on auto-pilot – and the women of America were loving them like mindless lemmings. Hollywood was snapping up the rights to make movies, Danielle was making millions of dollars, and meanwhile, Harlequin was sending my manuscript back to me, telling me that my story offered “nothing really new or exciting” and “the characters are too close to stereotype and the plot is too contrived.” I may have been a bit bitter when I added Ms. Steele to the list.
4-8) Sean Hannity (pretty much the for the same reasons as Mr. Limbaugh); Glenn Beck (again, same as Rush – but with the added bonus that he is Mormon and gives the religion a bad name – most Mormons aren’t as truly vile as this man); Don Imus (another shock jock that I cannot bear to listen to for all of the same reasons); Old Age (OK – I know it’s not really a person, but I would totally annihilate it if I could, because it sucks!); A former coworker who shall remain nameless – who was so hateful that she made “mean girls” seem like a friendly sorority that loved and accepted everyone. She would target a different coworker every month, because variety is the spice of life and making people so miserable that they would go into closets and bathrooms to cry just seemed like such a fun thing to do.
So, see – you’re safe….for the time being – bwhahaha *rubs hands together in evil anticipation*.
Do you have any lists – either real or imaginary? If you did have a list of People to Kill When Murder Becomes Legal, who would be on it? Are you now planning to call the authorities to tell them that I might possibly be crazy? I wouldn’t blame you — I just want to be prepared.