I was reading the other day that Whoopi Goldberg hasn’t worn a bra for 40 years. 40 damn years! I get it – I really do! Bras are not comfortable! Some days it’s all I can do not to duck into the bathroom at work to rip off the restricting combination of elastic, wire, and cotton to let the girls breathe free. If I could get away with going braless every day, I’d cheerfully toss every last instrument of torture out of my dresser and into the trash.

Or I might recycle them — like this!

But I can’t go braless! It’s apparently against the rules or something – at least that’s what Cosmopolitan magazine told me when I was about 25-years-old. The article stated that if you placed a pencil under your boob and it did not fall to the floor, your braless days were over. I could put a whole pack of pencils under my boobs and they seemed happy to stay there indefinitely! However, apparently the rules do not apply to celebrities like Whoopi – although maybe I’m making assumptions that her boobs have seen better days. Maybe she has some sort of fabulous anti-gravity boobs that stay sprightly into old age!

I’ve got to get me some anti-gravity boobs, because mine seem determined to creep down my body and become intimately acquainted with my belly button. I know this is the truth because when I was younger and…perkier…I got a tattoo on my left breast. It was a small, simple, chubby heart, peeking over the top of my bra – a sexy surprise for Doc.

Over the years, my chubby heart has become leaner, and looooonger – and these days it seems content to stay totally hidden behind my bra.

There is another reason I can’t just channel the 1960s and rebelliously burn my bras into ash – they keep me even. You see, somewhere along the line, Ms. Right decided that she was done growing. I think it was about the time I had my first baby. Lefty was totally into the baby thing – expanding right along with my belly and, when the baby was born, doing a bang up job of supplying milk. However, Ms. Right just wasn’t as into the whole experience. Oh, she took advantage of the hormones to increase in size a bit – but she just was never as enthusiastic as her sister and she was also miserly when it came to supplying milk.

Once the job of feeding babies was done, both boobs deflated until they were called into service again – but Lefty always retained more mass than Ms. Right. We’re talking a half cup size or more difference! Should I dare to go braless, the lopsidedness was scarily apparent – so bras became a necessary evil. However, even when wearing a bra, the right cup always had – empty space – leading to wrinkles and dimples in the fabric. When I found a bra that seemed to cooperate – accommodating Lefty while also laying smoothly over Ms. Right – I rejoiced. Right up until I put on a T-shirt and realized that while the fabric might be smooth – the boobs were still obviously uneven. Imagine walking with one shoulder forward and the other back – one breast leading, loud and proud, while the other skulked behind. That’s how my chest looked – all the time!

What’s a girl to do? I looked for something like a water bra – with adjustable cups – so I could add 3-4 ounces of water to the right side, evening things out. But alas, there were none to be found. I tried going into upscale lingerie shops for professional bra fittings – hoping that they would have the solution. Nope.

About the time I resigned myself to an unbalanced life, I found salvation inside a $5 bra at Walmart. It was one of those unattractive, lycra, sports-bra type contraptions – but it had removable padding, tucked in a little pocket, on each side! I immediately bought two of them – not with the intention of wearing them (because they were hideous) – I just wanted those removable pads. And they worked! When I tuck one of those pads into my bra, Ms. Righty gets cozy with it and it gives her just enough lift and volume to catch up with Lefty for the day. But only for the day – because the moment I get home, the bra comes off and the girls are let loose for the night – enjoying freedom for a few, precious hours.

Do you love or hate bras? Have you tried the pencil test? Am I the only person with uneven boobs? Don’t you think adjustable cup bras are a much needed addition to the lingerie market?