Remember when I wrote a little primer for folks who sought to stroke and rub naked people for a living? Apparently my recent massage therapist didn’t even read that post. Of course, she doesn’t even know I have a blog – so that might explain the omission.
I still had two visits left on the five-massage Groupon I purchased and, being the fabulously frugal gal I am, I was determined to use each and every one – even if the massage left a little to be desired. So this morning, I made the trek to the rather sketchy part of town to get naked and risk frostbite in my quest for relaxation. Nothing much had changed – the room was still frigid, the window to the street beyond was still not adequately covered, the masseuse entered the room as silently as a carbon dioxide leak, her hands were still like dry ice, and she still seemed to worship my feet. But as the massage progressed, I realized I had left out vital information in my initial instructional post.
To rectify my oversight, I now present an addendum – also set to a handy playlist:
“Slippery When Wet” – Bon Jovi:
Just like when you’re having sex, massage also requires adequate lubrication. Not that I’m equating massage with sex – unless you run one of those “happy endings” type of places –but I imagine that you’re not running that type of place…because if you are, then I am certainly not getting my money’s worth! But I digress – what’s important here is that when you give a massage, you need to use enough oil/lotion so that your hands glide smoothly over the skin. When the friction between the two is enough to start a small fire, it’s time to lube up! Not that I wouldn’t appreciate a small fire – because have I mentioned it’s as cold as the Arctic in your place?
“Between the Sheets” – The Isley Brothers”
The art of draping can’t be overstated. Your client is usually bare-assed naked under the sheet on the massage table and true professionals make sure that any sensitive areas remain covered. Usually when a masseuse is ready to work on a patron’s thighs, they discreetly and carefully tuck the sheet between the legs (so as not to expose the hoohaw) and they make sure that the buttocks are also covered. I appreciate your thoroughness when it comes to massage, but when you fold back the sheet so that it uncovers my entire leg…up to the waist…and then tuck the sheet into the crack of my ass while you knead my rump cheek – it’s a bit weird. If you were one of those “happy endings” types, I’d consider it foreplay – but you’re not…are you?
“The Power of Equality” – Red Hot Chili Peppers
Let me give you a rather simplistic anatomy lesson. A human body has two hands, two feet, two legs, two arms, two shoulders, and a spine that divides the body into two fairly equal parts. Please give each side equal love (except not too much love – because you’re not one of those “happy ending” places…right? Right??) When you give one shoulder and arm a methodical, firm massage – and then you barely touch the other shoulder and arm, it leaves me feeling a bit…well…unsatisfied…and a little lopsided. Equality is important.
So, aspiring masseuses everywhere, add these songs to the playlist I provided before. Together, they give you a fairly comprehensive list of things to avoid on your way to establishing an excellent and lucrative business – your very own happy ending!