It’s been a long while since I’ve taken a look at the search terms that bring people to my blog. That may be because it’s been a long while since I’ve actually blogged. I used to be so much better at this – churning out two or three blog posts every week! Now, I congratulate myself if I write one or two posts a month. I’m in a kind of stasis these days – nothing is really wrong and I’m not depressed – I’m just content with the status quo and quite unmotivated to put in the effort needed to make any change, even though I know it would be healthier for me.
But I’m here now – yawning and wiping the sleep from my eyes and
wondering how I can take a nap at work without being caught ready to do a little research and write a little post. Baby steps – right?
I’m afraid I may have greatly disappointed many of the folks who ended up at my blog after typing in their search term du jour – but most of that time, it’s their own damn fault — because people search for some weird shit! Here’s some examples (some weirder than others).
“Teddy Bear(s)”: This search term leads the pack – by miles. It warms my heart that, in this day and age, plagued with violence, racism, homophobia, and crazy people who want to be president, people still love teddy bears. I apologize that while you expect to find a sweet post about teddy bears, you end up at a post that talks about my first disastrous online dating experience.
“Teady Bears”, “Teddy Bair”, “Tebby Bear”, “Tady Bears”, “Teddy Beer”: See above – and also, you may want to bone up on those spelling skills. Unless there actually IS a Teddy Beer – I haven’t seen that brand in any bar I’ve visited, but perhaps it’s a new microbrew that’s only sold regionally.
“Don’t Piss Off Zeus”: I think that’s pretty good all around advice – so thanks.
“Monkey Balls” and/or “Huge Monkey Balls”: Also a persistent favorite. Why? What is so fascinating about the balls of a monkey? Also, I don’t think the monkey balls I write about are the monkey balls you are looking for.
“Are There Monkey Balls All Over My Neighborhood?”: I think you or your neighbors are the only people who can answer that query.
“Guys and Ewes”: I hope you’re talking about shepherds — because otherwise, ewww! Or should that be “ewwwes”?
“Nipple Stretcher”: Per personal experience, I can tell you that getting pregnant and breastfeeding is an excellent way to stretch your nipples. What? You were looking for something more along these lines?
Sorry – I have nothing here that would satisfy your request (except NOW I do – dammit!)
“Spitting toe nails”: I…can’t…even. Is this a thing? Some sort of sport, maybe? Are there World Championship Toenail Spitting competitions that I have missed? I can’t decide whether I should be impressed that you are limber enough to actually get your toes into your mouth or disgusted that you think toenails should ever be in one’s mouth for spitting. I think I’ll go with disgusted.
“My Masseuse Put Her Finger in My Asshole”: I think you may need to find a new masseuse…unless you are into that sort of thing.
“Most Embarrassing Moment with Boogers”: Don’t worry – I think my most embarrassing moment with boogers is much worse than yours. You can take some comfort in that.
“A Picture of a Bird in my House”: That is very specific – and I can help you with that.
“Emotions for Landslides”: There are many to choose from, but I think I’ll go with panic!
“May I Tie You?”: Thank you for asking so politely, but no – at least, not until I get to know you better.
“A J Shaped Superman”: I’m confused. Are you looking for someone named AJ, who is shaped like Superman? Or are you looking for a J shaped like Superman. Either way…I’m still confused – but I don’t want to leave you in a lurch, so here – maybe this will work: