The only dating app I use lately is OK Cupid. I use the term “use” very loosely, because the most I do is pop in when I get a notification that someone has sent me a message – and that only happens once in a blue moon these days. To say that my dating life has been in a slump would be an understatement. It’s more like the depth and dryness of the Grand Canyon – but that would imply that, even though the slump is super deep, it’s also awe inspiring and magical to behold. Let’s face it, it’s neither of those things. Let’s say my dating life is like the Mariana Trench. According to one source I read, “Because of its extreme depth, the Mariana Trench is cloaked in perpetual darkness and the temperature is just a few degrees above freezing”. The water pressure at the bottom of the trench is crushing and only three humans have ever been there – two dudes in the 1960’s and James Cameron in 2012.
Perpetual darkness, freezing, crushing, and rarely, rarely visited by men? Check, check, check and check!
So, I always get a little electrical zing of excitement when I get those rare notifications that someone has sent me a message on OK Cupid. Is he going to be handsome? Intelligent? Funny? Will we hit it off? Does he like hiking? I immediately open my app and find my message – only to have my hopes dashed when I read his message and/or profile and see his picture (I know, I’m incredibly shallow – which is kind of ironic since I’ve compared my dating life to the Mariana Trench).
But you can’t blame me! You really can’t!
Let me share with you the most recent message I received, so you can judge it for yourself (I have edited this to correct grammar and spelling mistakes, because I can’t stand that kind of shit and know that if you are reading my blog, that kind of shit irritates you as well).
“I am embarrassed by the number of pillows I have, although most are hidden in a storage locker. I am a fan of “My Pillow,” not so much of the My Pillow guy. If you haven’t tried one, I suggest Bed, Bath and Beyond. There is one in the mall and one in the northern part of the city. The normal price at BBB for a standard pillow is $50. BBB doesn’t have on and off again sales, but in the back of their store they sell floor models for half price! Generally, I wouldn’t buy a display, but I thought, “I’ve stayed at a lot of hotels and they don’t have new pillows!” My Pillows are washable, so I gave one a try. BBB always have a 20% off coupon, so I got the pillow down to $20!
I was very impressed with My Pillow from the very first night. I’ve bought a few more in the same way. I have bought other expensive pillows there the same way. Nice pillows, but they’re the ones in storage.”
Why? Why would this guy go on and on about his love affair with the My Pillow? Has he heard the phrase “pillow talk” and thinks this is what it means? I was baffled – then I looked at my profile. Quite frankly, I had forgotten I had answered the question, “Six things I could never do without,” but there it was – at the top of the list: “1) My pillows (I love to sleep comfy)”. But I also listed 2) a great book, 3) new places to explore, 4) engaging conversation, 5) mascara (a girl needs to look her best), and 6) human touch. You would think that perhaps he would have shared the title of a great book he had read or some interesting places he had visited.
But no, I got the Pillow Guy.
I guess I should just be happy that he didn’t wax eloquently about his love of mascara.